Relationship Violence and Sexual Assault Response Information
This information has been taken from our "Relationship Violence and Sexual Assault Response Toolkit," and was created to provide information and resources to turn to when experiencing or working with victims of relationship violence or sexual assault. For more information, CLICK HERE
Power and Control Wheel
Equality Wheel
The Cycle Theory of Violence – Lenore E. Walker
Battered women are not constantly being abused, nor is their abuse inflicted at totally random times. There is a very definite battering cycle. Understanding this cycle is very important if we are to learn how to stop or prevent battering incidents. This cycle also helps explain how battered women become victimized, how they fall into learned helplessness behavior, and why they do not attempt to escape.
The battering cycle appears to have three distinct phases, which vary in both times and intensity for the same couple and between couples.
The battering cycle appears to have three distinct phases, which vary in both times and intensity for the same couple and between couples.
Phase one: The tension building phase
During this time, minor battering incidents occur. The woman will attempt to calm the batterer through the use of techniques that have previously proved successful. She may become nurturing, complacent and may attempt to anticipate his every whim, or she may stay out of his way. She may rationalize that perhaps she did deserve the abuse, often identifying influences, such as job stress, or drinking. She hopes the situation will change, and bring about an improvement in his behaviour towards her. Tension builds, battered incidents occur more often and the woman rapidly loses any type of control she may have had.
Phase Two: The acute battering incident
Phase two is characterized by the violent discharge of the tension that has been built up during Phase One. It is during this time that the woman is mostly likely to be seriously hurt or killed. When the acute attack is over, it is usually followed by initial shock, denial and disbelief that it has really happened. Both the batterer and the victim find ways of rationalizing the seriousness of such attacks. Most battered women do not seek help during this period immediately following the attack unless they are so badly injured that immediate medical attention is called for.
Phase Three: Kindness and contrite loving behaviour – The Honeymoon Stage
After the brutality of Phase Two, the movement into Phase Three is welcomed by both parties. The batterer knows he has gone too far and becomes extremely loving and contrite in an attempt to make it up to her. It is during this phase that the battered woman’s victimization becomes complete. It is during this phase that the woman gets a glimpse of her original dream of how wonderful love is. His behavior is her reinforcement for staying in the relationship. He is now everything that she ever wanted in a man. Most women report that before they know it, the calm loving behaviour gives way to battering incidents. The tension begins to build and a new cycle of battering begins.
Escape Plan Check-list
It is important for all people experiencing relationship violence to have an escape plan. Though you may choose not to leave, an emergency may arise that places your safety and the safety of your children at risk.
Escape plans are best made when you’re not in crisis or panic. Children should be taught the signs of needing to leave, and an escape should be practiced with them in the same way you’d practice a fire drill.
Escape plans are best made when you’re not in crisis or panic. Children should be taught the signs of needing to leave, and an escape should be practiced with them in the same way you’d practice a fire drill.
Some important steps include:
- Decide on a safe place that you can go, whether it is to find shelter or to make a phone call. Set up an escape route, including how you will get there (car, bus, taxi, friend, etc.)
- Talk to your children. They should know which neighbour or family member to go to in an emergency. If they’re old enough, teach them emergency phone numbers and what to say if they’re trapped in the house. If safe to do so, program emergency numbers into your phone (police, shelter, neighbours, etc.)
- Speak to people you know and trust. Let them know what is going on so they can watch out for you.
- Be in touch with your local shelter so they know who you are and so you know what options are available to you.
- Choose a code word with children, friends and family so they can call for help.
- Get legal advice now so that you’ll know your rights and what you should and should not do in an emergency.
- If possible, put money aside to see you through a short-term period. Open a separate bank account in your own name – put as much money in your account each month as possible. You can ask the bank to send your statements to a friend, family member or your workplace.
- If you’ve experienced violence before, make sure the police know what is happening.
- Find somewhere outside of your home to keep your escape bag and important documents.
- Keep your children’s daycare/school informed of the situation and who is allowed to pick the children up.
If you leave home, remember to take:
- Birth certificate, Social Insurance Card (SIN)
- Care Card and medical records
- You medication and/or your children’s medication
- Cell phone or change for a pay phone
- Driver’s License or BC ID
- Emergency contact info
- House and car keys
- Last year’s tax return and school documents
- Lease, rental agreement, house deed, papers for common assets
- Marriage license, divorce papers, custody and access orders
- Money, cheques, bank book, debit and credit cards
- Passport, immigration and/or citizenship papers
- Restraining order/Peace bonds
- Medical records, police records, your journal or diary, and other evidence of violence
- Enough clothes for you and the children for a few days
- Your address/phone book or cell phone
- The children’s favourite toys and books
- Your favourite possessions/photos (things that give you comfort)
someone you trust.
Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships
Many people recognize they are being mistreated or even abused, but choose to stay in the relationship for a number of reasons. When friends or family members ask them “Why do you stay...?” they may have a hard time explaining. After all, it is never easy to end a relationship, even a hurtful one. Below are some of the common reasons people stay in unhappy or abusive relationships. If you or someone you know are being mistreated, it might be helpful to look over this list and circle the reasons that might have something to do with the decision to stay.
Whatever the reasons for staying in an abusive relationship, those reasons are very real and very important to them. However it is also important to look at both sides of the situation. Some of their reasons may be based on misunderstandings or myths, and some might be based on fear. If someone is struggling with wanting to end the relationship but can’t get past one or more reasons for staying, it might help to consider the following statements that give additional perspective to each of these reasons.
Whatever the reasons for staying in an abusive relationship, those reasons are very real and very important to them. However it is also important to look at both sides of the situation. Some of their reasons may be based on misunderstandings or myths, and some might be based on fear. If someone is struggling with wanting to end the relationship but can’t get past one or more reasons for staying, it might help to consider the following statements that give additional perspective to each of these reasons.
1. Love. They might love their abuser. No one can argue with feelings – the love a victim can have for her abuser is very real. But love doesn't always mean that it is a healthy relationship. Ending a relationship does not mean a victim will automatically stop loving her partner but with time her feelings will be less intense as she is able to look at the whole picture. It might help her to focus on nurturing her love for herself and her family or friends.
2. Hope. They may believe things will get better. The victim is not the cause of the abuse, so nothing she does or changes about her behavior will end the abuse. While abusers will usually promise to change, it is rare for an abuser to change while still in a relationship without going through professional intervention for both partners – often, the only way to stop the abuse is to end the relationship.
3. Making light of the abuse. They could ignore how serious the abuse is. Abuse is a big deal. No one deserves to be abused, and physical abuse is a serious crime that can result in jail time for the abuser. Physical abuse can go from low risk to high risk very quickly. If someone is thinking about leaving an abusive partner they should seek the support of someone they can trust, contacting the Golden Women’s Resource Center is an option.
4. Blaming themselves. They may feel like they deserve the abuse or that it is their own fault. The fact is there is nothing anyone can do to make another person hurt them, and no one deserves to be hurt under any circumstances. Everyone is 100% accountable for their own behavior.
5. Link between love and violence. They might see it as a way of expressing emotion. Physical abuse is not about love – it’s about gaining power and control. Even if violence was normal in their upbringing, the fact is that it is NOT a normal part of a healthy, loving relationship.
6. Hopelessness. They don’t think things can get better. The idea of being happy without their current partner may seem impossible to them. However they are a person who deserves to be treated with respect. There are many people out there who don’t abuse!
7. Rescue Complex. They think they can change, fix, or heal their partner if they stay.
No amount of loyalty or understanding will change an abusive partner.
8. Guilt. Their partner may make them feel guilty about how much it would hurt him or her if they left. S/he may even threaten to commit suicide.
Guilt-trips are a way of manipulating the victim. The abusive partner is responsible for his or her own actions. The victim has nothing to feel guilty about if they choose to leave an abusive relationship.
9. Gender roles. They may have been conditioned to believe that men are violent while women are submissive. Sexism is a big part of domestic violence, and sexist attitudes and beliefs need to be explored. The bottom line is, a healthy relationship is a partnership based on equality, regardless of gender.
10. Embarrassment and shame.They might don’t want other people to judge them. It is true that some people judge or blame people who are being abused because they are not educated about relationship abuse. Remember that the victim is not the one doing something wrong and they have nothing to be ashamed of! Counselors at domestic violence hotlines and agencies will not judge, and can help them figure out which friends or family members to talk to.
11. Financial dependence. They can’t afford to leave and don’t have enough money for themselves or their children. There are ways to become more financially independent, including programs specifically set up for people who are financially trapped in abusive relationships. Counsellors can help make a plan for financial independence.
12. Lack of supportive relationships. They may not feel supported. Friends and family should be supportive of anyone wanting to end an abusive relationship – but, the victim may also have to develop new supportive relationships. A good place to start is with a support group where they can meet other people who have been in abusive relationships.
13. Fear. They may have been threatened and are afraid to leave. If they have been threatened, it is very important to develop a safety plan with a counselor before leaving. See other sections of this workbook and know there are safe homes, shelters and other programs to help anyone in need get away from an abuser.
14. Not wanting to be alone. They have endured a great deal and while the idea of being alone is scary, any victim can live without an abusive relationship. Developing other supportive relationships will be helpful.
15. Loyalty. They may still feel committed to their abuser. Loyalty must be earned. Someone who is supposed to provide love, but abuses, has betrayed them. No reasonable person should expect them to be loyal to someone who abuses them.
16. Children. They might not want to put their children at risk or put them through a divorce or separation. The fact is, witnessing abuse is extremely psychologically damaging to children. A child is better off living with one non-violent parent than two parents in an abusive relationship. They can work out a way for the child to see the other parent in a safe setting.
17. Dependency on drugs and alcohol. If they use drugs or alcohol as a way of coping with abuse it’s important to get treatment for this problem so that they can make healthier decisions about the relationship.
18. Spiritual or cultural reasons. They may feel pressured to stay in the relationship. They may not have a strong support group if their beliefs or religion sides with the abuser. However violence and abuse is never okay and there are groups and organizations who will give the support needed.
19. Increased risk if they do leave. The victims safety, and the safety of her family and friends decrease dramatically when she leaves an abusive or violent relationship. The abuser is no longer able to control her actions.
20. Emotional exhaustion. They may become too depressed and tired to consider leaving. The pattern of behavior works for the abuser and they get what they want. The victim is fearful and anxious and tries to keep the abuser happy. It is important to ask “would the abuser get away with what they are doing if they were at work?” Everyone deserves the same level of respect.
2. Hope. They may believe things will get better. The victim is not the cause of the abuse, so nothing she does or changes about her behavior will end the abuse. While abusers will usually promise to change, it is rare for an abuser to change while still in a relationship without going through professional intervention for both partners – often, the only way to stop the abuse is to end the relationship.
3. Making light of the abuse. They could ignore how serious the abuse is. Abuse is a big deal. No one deserves to be abused, and physical abuse is a serious crime that can result in jail time for the abuser. Physical abuse can go from low risk to high risk very quickly. If someone is thinking about leaving an abusive partner they should seek the support of someone they can trust, contacting the Golden Women’s Resource Center is an option.
4. Blaming themselves. They may feel like they deserve the abuse or that it is their own fault. The fact is there is nothing anyone can do to make another person hurt them, and no one deserves to be hurt under any circumstances. Everyone is 100% accountable for their own behavior.
5. Link between love and violence. They might see it as a way of expressing emotion. Physical abuse is not about love – it’s about gaining power and control. Even if violence was normal in their upbringing, the fact is that it is NOT a normal part of a healthy, loving relationship.
6. Hopelessness. They don’t think things can get better. The idea of being happy without their current partner may seem impossible to them. However they are a person who deserves to be treated with respect. There are many people out there who don’t abuse!
7. Rescue Complex. They think they can change, fix, or heal their partner if they stay.
No amount of loyalty or understanding will change an abusive partner.
8. Guilt. Their partner may make them feel guilty about how much it would hurt him or her if they left. S/he may even threaten to commit suicide.
Guilt-trips are a way of manipulating the victim. The abusive partner is responsible for his or her own actions. The victim has nothing to feel guilty about if they choose to leave an abusive relationship.
9. Gender roles. They may have been conditioned to believe that men are violent while women are submissive. Sexism is a big part of domestic violence, and sexist attitudes and beliefs need to be explored. The bottom line is, a healthy relationship is a partnership based on equality, regardless of gender.
10. Embarrassment and shame.They might don’t want other people to judge them. It is true that some people judge or blame people who are being abused because they are not educated about relationship abuse. Remember that the victim is not the one doing something wrong and they have nothing to be ashamed of! Counselors at domestic violence hotlines and agencies will not judge, and can help them figure out which friends or family members to talk to.
11. Financial dependence. They can’t afford to leave and don’t have enough money for themselves or their children. There are ways to become more financially independent, including programs specifically set up for people who are financially trapped in abusive relationships. Counsellors can help make a plan for financial independence.
12. Lack of supportive relationships. They may not feel supported. Friends and family should be supportive of anyone wanting to end an abusive relationship – but, the victim may also have to develop new supportive relationships. A good place to start is with a support group where they can meet other people who have been in abusive relationships.
13. Fear. They may have been threatened and are afraid to leave. If they have been threatened, it is very important to develop a safety plan with a counselor before leaving. See other sections of this workbook and know there are safe homes, shelters and other programs to help anyone in need get away from an abuser.
14. Not wanting to be alone. They have endured a great deal and while the idea of being alone is scary, any victim can live without an abusive relationship. Developing other supportive relationships will be helpful.
15. Loyalty. They may still feel committed to their abuser. Loyalty must be earned. Someone who is supposed to provide love, but abuses, has betrayed them. No reasonable person should expect them to be loyal to someone who abuses them.
16. Children. They might not want to put their children at risk or put them through a divorce or separation. The fact is, witnessing abuse is extremely psychologically damaging to children. A child is better off living with one non-violent parent than two parents in an abusive relationship. They can work out a way for the child to see the other parent in a safe setting.
17. Dependency on drugs and alcohol. If they use drugs or alcohol as a way of coping with abuse it’s important to get treatment for this problem so that they can make healthier decisions about the relationship.
18. Spiritual or cultural reasons. They may feel pressured to stay in the relationship. They may not have a strong support group if their beliefs or religion sides with the abuser. However violence and abuse is never okay and there are groups and organizations who will give the support needed.
19. Increased risk if they do leave. The victims safety, and the safety of her family and friends decrease dramatically when she leaves an abusive or violent relationship. The abuser is no longer able to control her actions.
20. Emotional exhaustion. They may become too depressed and tired to consider leaving. The pattern of behavior works for the abuser and they get what they want. The victim is fearful and anxious and tries to keep the abuser happy. It is important to ask “would the abuser get away with what they are doing if they were at work?” Everyone deserves the same level of respect.
Local Organisations offering Services in cases of
Relationship Violence or Sexual Assault:
Relationship Violence or Sexual Assault:
Community Corrections, East Kootenays:
Contact Information - 1-866-800-5522
Cranbrook: 250-426-1210
Invermere: 250-342-4278
Golden: 250-344-7578
Fax: 250-426-1602
Hours of Program Service - Monday to Friday, 8:30 to 5:00
Cranbrook: 250-426-1210
Invermere: 250-342-4278
Golden: 250-344-7578
Fax: 250-426-1602
Hours of Program Service - Monday to Friday, 8:30 to 5:00
Golden Family Centre Abuse Recovery Program
Contact Information
250-344-2000
Hours of Program Service Monday-Friday, 8:30-4:40 summer, 9:00-5:00 winter
***Appointments need to be booked in advance
250-344-2000
Hours of Program Service Monday-Friday, 8:30-4:40 summer, 9:00-5:00 winter
***Appointments need to be booked in advance
Golden Family Centre Alcohol and Drug Services
Contact Information 250-344-2000
Hours of Program Service Monday-Friday, 8:30-4:40 summer, 9:00-5:00 winter
**Appointments need to be booked in advance
Hours of Program Service Monday-Friday, 8:30-4:40 summer, 9:00-5:00 winter
**Appointments need to be booked in advance
Golden Emergency department, Golden and District Hospital
Contact Information 250-344-5271
Hours of Program Service 24 hours a day 365 days a year
Location / Address of Office
385 9th Ave South
Box 1260
Golden BC
V0A 1H0
Hours of Program Service 24 hours a day 365 days a year
Location / Address of Office
385 9th Ave South
Box 1260
Golden BC
V0A 1H0
Golden Safe Homes
Contact Information: 250-344-2101
safehomes@redshift.bc.ca
Hours of Program Service
24 hours a day, 7 days a week
safehomes@redshift.bc.ca
Hours of Program Service
24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Ministry of Children and Family Development (MCFD)
Contact Information 250-344-7773
Hours of Program Service Monday – Friday, 8:30-4:30
**Emergency response available 24/7 by calling After Hours Helpline: 250-310-1234
Hours of Program Service Monday – Friday, 8:30-4:30
**Emergency response available 24/7 by calling After Hours Helpline: 250-310-1234